The "dumb" Decision

Random fact of the day: According to a study published by the Journal of Family Psychology, 70 percent of U.S. couples live together before marriage.

Apparently, I am in the minority in that I did not live with my husband before we were married. I had no idea how absurd this was. It wasn't until I was chatting with two coworkers, that are also twenty-somethings, that it occurred to me. Both ladies are currently living with their boyfriends. When they found out that I had not lived with Mr. TwentySomething before we were married, they looked at each other like I had just answered their question in Chinese. They both scoffingly agreed that one simply must live with their partner first, otherwise you are doomed to discover one annoying habit after another. They further concluded that, "there are things you don't know about the other person until you live together." The implication is, of course, that if you find your roommate to be unbearable, you can bail before it's "too late" (and I use that term loosely, which I'll address later).

Let me give you some quick background information about my two counselors. One has lived with multiple men and is now a single mom of a toddler. The other is living with her boyfriend whom, she later informs me, she finds terribly obnoxious. When I ask why she's living with him, she responds with a laugh, "my mom loves him and I don't have to pay rent." The poor slob is in love with her and stands no chance of a future because of the bliss of cohabitation.

Okay, okay...so maybe I should have expected this from fellow twenty-somethings of the 21st century, but I had another shock coming. I was in a staff meeting the following week and was chatting with four or five women in their 40s and 50s. The same question arose, "Mary, did you live with your husband before you were married?" Upon answering the question, there was another eruption of "enlightened" responses. The ladies agreed that if they had known the things their husbands do before they were married, they never would have married them. Then came the vent-fest of all the annoying habits of their men.

This is just the beginning though. As I mentioned before, I used the term "too late" in reference to getting hitched to someone you later regret. The term assumes that there is no way out once you've made this poor decision to marry without living together. It seems rather ironic to me, however, given the fact that not only is cohabitation so prominent, divorce is rampant and largely accepted in American culture. There is nothing "too late" about it. If you made a mistake, it is relatively simple to fix. There's no shame in having "irreconcilable differences." You simply didn't get what was advertised, it's their own fault really.

Call me young or naive but marriage should not be a trial basis. That is not what love is. That is ultimately selfish. Dating and living together is like shopping...you are in it to find the person that makes you the most happy and can benefit you the most. If they fall short, kick em to the curb. You deserve better than that. Wedding vows mean nothing anymore. They have become nothing more than a boring part of a ceremony that, in all actuality, revolves around the elaborate party and dress. I am not saying that people should not look for someone that they enjoy being with. I found a great, fun guy that I am thrilled to be with. He does, however annoy me at times. He plays video-games constantly. He sings really loud. He complains about eating the lunches I pack for him (apparently he doesn't like eating turkey sandwiches every day of his life). But my love for him is not based on him fulfilling my every desire and being a farcical knight in shining armor. Love is a choice. It says, I will love you no matter what. No matter how hard things get or how much you annoy me, I chose you. Everyone else in the world might find something wrong with you, but I will love you in spite of your shortcomings. Really think about it. How many people in your life love you like that? Wouldn't you rather find someone that truly loved you unconditionally? Wouldn't it be incredible to not feel like you have to watch your p's and q's?

It can be done. It is not some mythical dream. It is hard and it might not happen perfectly, but it's real. My parents have shown me that. They have been married 33 years now and it has not been an easy journey. There have been legit counseling sessions, repaired hearts, and deep emotional hurt...but they have shown me what it means to truly love someone. And that was modeled after an even more perfect love...Christ.