Today Mr.TwentySomething and discussing an article I had been given a few years ago. We found it as we were going through our bedroom and trying to de-clutter in order to finally decorate after eight months!
The article is entitled "Passive Men and Wild Women." The idea is that men, in their relationship with their wives, tend to be inactive, inarticulate, and withdrawn...PASSIVE. Women, in turn, puts on the pressure in order to feel some kind of connectedness, which causes her husband to retreat further. It finally ends with the remedy. First is the realization that men and women are different. At times, we must try to see things from a different viewpoint And second, it takes hard work. This is how the author explains it, "It's not just talking; it’s also listening. And not just listening, but also hearing. Not just hearing, but also responding, calmly and kindly." In other words, acting unselfishly in your partnership.
Speaking of the difference between men and women, here's how our conversation ended:
Me: That was such a good article! We should save it and read over it every now and then.
Mr. T: I just threw it in the trash and put a booger on it.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
The "dumb" Decision
Random fact of the day: According to a study published by the Journal of Family Psychology, 70 percent of U.S. couples live together before marriage.
Apparently, I am in the minority in that I did not live with my husband before we were married. I had no idea how absurd this was. It wasn't until I was chatting with two coworkers, that are also twenty-somethings, that it occurred to me. Both ladies are currently living with their boyfriends. When they found out that I had not lived with Mr. TwentySomething before we were married, they looked at each other like I had just answered their question in Chinese. They both scoffingly agreed that one simply must live with their partner first, otherwise you are doomed to discover one annoying habit after another. They further concluded that, "there are things you don't know about the other person until you live together." The implication is, of course, that if you find your roommate to be unbearable, you can bail before it's "too late" (and I use that term loosely, which I'll address later).
Let me give you some quick background information about my two counselors. One has lived with multiple men and is now a single mom of a toddler. The other is living with her boyfriend whom, she later informs me, she finds terribly obnoxious. When I ask why she's living with him, she responds with a laugh, "my mom loves him and I don't have to pay rent." The poor slob is in love with her and stands no chance of a future because of the bliss of cohabitation.
Okay, okay...so maybe I should have expected this from fellow twenty-somethings of the 21st century, but I had another shock coming. I was in a staff meeting the following week and was chatting with four or five women in their 40s and 50s. The same question arose, "Mary, did you live with your husband before you were married?" Upon answering the question, there was another eruption of "enlightened" responses. The ladies agreed that if they had known the things their husbands do before they were married, they never would have married them. Then came the vent-fest of all the annoying habits of their men.
This is just the beginning though. As I mentioned before, I used the term "too late" in reference to getting hitched to someone you later regret. The term assumes that there is no way out once you've made this poor decision to marry without living together. It seems rather ironic to me, however, given the fact that not only is cohabitation so prominent, divorce is rampant and largely accepted in American culture. There is nothing "too late" about it. If you made a mistake, it is relatively simple to fix. There's no shame in having "irreconcilable differences." You simply didn't get what was advertised, it's their own fault really.
Call me young or naive but marriage should not be a trial basis. That is not what love is. That is ultimately selfish. Dating and living together is like shopping...you are in it to find the person that makes you the most happy and can benefit you the most. If they fall short, kick em to the curb. You deserve better than that. Wedding vows mean nothing anymore. They have become nothing more than a boring part of a ceremony that, in all actuality, revolves around the elaborate party and dress. I am not saying that people should not look for someone that they enjoy being with. I found a great, fun guy that I am thrilled to be with. He does, however annoy me at times. He plays video-games constantly. He sings really loud. He complains about eating the lunches I pack for him (apparently he doesn't like eating turkey sandwiches every day of his life). But my love for him is not based on him fulfilling my every desire and being a farcical knight in shining armor. Love is a choice. It says, I will love you no matter what. No matter how hard things get or how much you annoy me, I chose you. Everyone else in the world might find something wrong with you, but I will love you in spite of your shortcomings. Really think about it. How many people in your life love you like that? Wouldn't you rather find someone that truly loved you unconditionally? Wouldn't it be incredible to not feel like you have to watch your p's and q's?
It can be done. It is not some mythical dream. It is hard and it might not happen perfectly, but it's real. My parents have shown me that. They have been married 33 years now and it has not been an easy journey. There have been legit counseling sessions, repaired hearts, and deep emotional hurt...but they have shown me what it means to truly love someone. And that was modeled after an even more perfect love...Christ.
Apparently, I am in the minority in that I did not live with my husband before we were married. I had no idea how absurd this was. It wasn't until I was chatting with two coworkers, that are also twenty-somethings, that it occurred to me. Both ladies are currently living with their boyfriends. When they found out that I had not lived with Mr. TwentySomething before we were married, they looked at each other like I had just answered their question in Chinese. They both scoffingly agreed that one simply must live with their partner first, otherwise you are doomed to discover one annoying habit after another. They further concluded that, "there are things you don't know about the other person until you live together." The implication is, of course, that if you find your roommate to be unbearable, you can bail before it's "too late" (and I use that term loosely, which I'll address later).
Let me give you some quick background information about my two counselors. One has lived with multiple men and is now a single mom of a toddler. The other is living with her boyfriend whom, she later informs me, she finds terribly obnoxious. When I ask why she's living with him, she responds with a laugh, "my mom loves him and I don't have to pay rent." The poor slob is in love with her and stands no chance of a future because of the bliss of cohabitation.
Okay, okay...so maybe I should have expected this from fellow twenty-somethings of the 21st century, but I had another shock coming. I was in a staff meeting the following week and was chatting with four or five women in their 40s and 50s. The same question arose, "Mary, did you live with your husband before you were married?" Upon answering the question, there was another eruption of "enlightened" responses. The ladies agreed that if they had known the things their husbands do before they were married, they never would have married them. Then came the vent-fest of all the annoying habits of their men.
This is just the beginning though. As I mentioned before, I used the term "too late" in reference to getting hitched to someone you later regret. The term assumes that there is no way out once you've made this poor decision to marry without living together. It seems rather ironic to me, however, given the fact that not only is cohabitation so prominent, divorce is rampant and largely accepted in American culture. There is nothing "too late" about it. If you made a mistake, it is relatively simple to fix. There's no shame in having "irreconcilable differences." You simply didn't get what was advertised, it's their own fault really.
Call me young or naive but marriage should not be a trial basis. That is not what love is. That is ultimately selfish. Dating and living together is like shopping...you are in it to find the person that makes you the most happy and can benefit you the most. If they fall short, kick em to the curb. You deserve better than that. Wedding vows mean nothing anymore. They have become nothing more than a boring part of a ceremony that, in all actuality, revolves around the elaborate party and dress. I am not saying that people should not look for someone that they enjoy being with. I found a great, fun guy that I am thrilled to be with. He does, however annoy me at times. He plays video-games constantly. He sings really loud. He complains about eating the lunches I pack for him (apparently he doesn't like eating turkey sandwiches every day of his life). But my love for him is not based on him fulfilling my every desire and being a farcical knight in shining armor. Love is a choice. It says, I will love you no matter what. No matter how hard things get or how much you annoy me, I chose you. Everyone else in the world might find something wrong with you, but I will love you in spite of your shortcomings. Really think about it. How many people in your life love you like that? Wouldn't you rather find someone that truly loved you unconditionally? Wouldn't it be incredible to not feel like you have to watch your p's and q's?
It can be done. It is not some mythical dream. It is hard and it might not happen perfectly, but it's real. My parents have shown me that. They have been married 33 years now and it has not been an easy journey. There have been legit counseling sessions, repaired hearts, and deep emotional hurt...but they have shown me what it means to truly love someone. And that was modeled after an even more perfect love...Christ.
The Advice
My family is definitely matriarchal. My grandmother has lived with us since I was sixteen...along with my mom, sister, and weenie dog, "Violet" nonetheless. So my dad has always been the lone ranger in a sea of estrogen until we got our whale of a cat, Stuey. Therefore, it's not surprise that I've gotten my share of womanly advice over the years. That advice has only increased as I head into the uncharted territory of adulthood. It's really not a wonder that the quarter life crisis is so infamous. Everyone has their own opinion on what a young person should do in marriage, their career, and life in general. It's all rather confusing. Here is the advice that I've gotten recently.
On marriage:
1. Lady from church: (In a Stepford-Wife voice) "It's really important that you learn how to please your husband in the kitchen....and in other ways as well." This was an entirely serious suggestion. I felt as though I had just stepped out of the 1950s.
2. Mom: "Unless you marry Prince Charming, most of us marry average men...and the fact is, the two sides of their brain don't connect." Definitely sound, science supported advice. This is my mom in a nutshell.
3. My sister on my husband drinking more than is ideal at his bachelor party:
Me: "I'll have to discuss that with him."
Sister: "He's over 21, right?"
Me: "Yes"
Sister: "There will be no discussion."
Most of our childhood I had the role of the big sister, given her illness. At times, however, she decides that she will make up for lost times.
On choosing a career:
This morning I was having a mini-crisis. I forgot that I was on-call last night for my job, and didn't answer my phone when I was supposed to. Therefore, it was apparent that my superiors don't like me, I'll get a bad reference, won't get the next job I'm applying for, and therefore will end up doing something I hate and will have little chance of ever being happy again. It's really quite a logical progression. So I was chatting about the dilemma with my mom. She is pretty good at tough love. Basically her opinion was that I was a huge baby and it was time to jump out of the nest. She kindly told me that I could be a Baby Huey all my life, or I could learn to fly. (We love analogies in my family). In continuing the comparison, she said, "OF COURSE it's more comfortable to stay in your warm 'pee pants' but you'll get used to wearing dry, big-girl pants." At this point, my grandmother is listening in. She is the polar opposite of my mom. She insists that she speak with me and takes the phone. She tells me that my mom is being too hard on me and that I can vent to her anytime and that the important thing is that I try to take one day at a time. Don't even worry about what I will do for full-time work. I go through several rounds of them passing the phone back and forth telling me completely different things. Like I said, it's really not surprise that I'm writing this blog in the first place.
Eventually, I decided, they're both right. Taking responsibility and being a "big girl" kind of snuck up on me, but there's no going back. I have to step out of the nest and just do what needs to be done. I have everything I need for life and Godliness in this vast God I serve. He's got his hand on me and can sustain me through hard work and responsibility. On the other hand, the Bible tells me to take one day at a time. The fact is, the Lord already knows the plans He has for me and I do not have to attempt this whole "life" thing on my own. He knows my next job and wants me to trust Him to use it mightily in my life and those I'm surrounded by. I don't have to solve my problem, it's already taken care of.
"Be anxious for nothing...."
On marriage:
1. Lady from church: (In a Stepford-Wife voice) "It's really important that you learn how to please your husband in the kitchen....and in other ways as well." This was an entirely serious suggestion. I felt as though I had just stepped out of the 1950s.
2. Mom: "Unless you marry Prince Charming, most of us marry average men...and the fact is, the two sides of their brain don't connect." Definitely sound, science supported advice. This is my mom in a nutshell.
3. My sister on my husband drinking more than is ideal at his bachelor party:
Me: "I'll have to discuss that with him."
Sister: "He's over 21, right?"
Me: "Yes"
Sister: "There will be no discussion."
Most of our childhood I had the role of the big sister, given her illness. At times, however, she decides that she will make up for lost times.
On choosing a career:
This morning I was having a mini-crisis. I forgot that I was on-call last night for my job, and didn't answer my phone when I was supposed to. Therefore, it was apparent that my superiors don't like me, I'll get a bad reference, won't get the next job I'm applying for, and therefore will end up doing something I hate and will have little chance of ever being happy again. It's really quite a logical progression. So I was chatting about the dilemma with my mom. She is pretty good at tough love. Basically her opinion was that I was a huge baby and it was time to jump out of the nest. She kindly told me that I could be a Baby Huey all my life, or I could learn to fly. (We love analogies in my family). In continuing the comparison, she said, "OF COURSE it's more comfortable to stay in your warm 'pee pants' but you'll get used to wearing dry, big-girl pants." At this point, my grandmother is listening in. She is the polar opposite of my mom. She insists that she speak with me and takes the phone. She tells me that my mom is being too hard on me and that I can vent to her anytime and that the important thing is that I try to take one day at a time. Don't even worry about what I will do for full-time work. I go through several rounds of them passing the phone back and forth telling me completely different things. Like I said, it's really not surprise that I'm writing this blog in the first place.
Eventually, I decided, they're both right. Taking responsibility and being a "big girl" kind of snuck up on me, but there's no going back. I have to step out of the nest and just do what needs to be done. I have everything I need for life and Godliness in this vast God I serve. He's got his hand on me and can sustain me through hard work and responsibility. On the other hand, the Bible tells me to take one day at a time. The fact is, the Lord already knows the plans He has for me and I do not have to attempt this whole "life" thing on my own. He knows my next job and wants me to trust Him to use it mightily in my life and those I'm surrounded by. I don't have to solve my problem, it's already taken care of.
"Be anxious for nothing...."
The First Twenty-Some Years
So here's the dirt. I'm a young, twenty something, newly married, trying to figure out what she's going to do with her life, thinks too much girl. Aside from the fact that my only sister was diagnosed with Schizophrenia when I was seven, my life has been pretty easy. I'm talking never divorced, church-going parents. I've had a 4.0 my whole life. My parents aren't rich by any means, so I've had to get part time jobs here and there. I've had to take out school loans, but besides that I've always had comfortable living arrangements with college friends. My family had their fair share of crap, but my mom did a really good job at protecting me from all of that, emotionally.
I met this boy. He rocked my world. If I dreamed up the most perfect person for me, I couldn't have come up with anything more. However, during this time, I struggled with the obligatory eating disorder that comes along with being a "good girl" in America these days. I credit him with pulling me out of denial and, consequently, out of my crappy way of dealing with my problems. He was my first kiss, my first serious relationship, and my first love. I saved everything for him, and I love that about us. Before too long, we were engaged and planning the most amazing wedding. I only had one breakdown on the day of the wedding after I dropped my dress in the dirt. But, as is my luck, it came right off. We had an outdoor wedding at dusk. Set in front of a large pond with shepherds hooks filled with flowers, it was absolutely picturesque. When I walked down the aisle and saw my groom's sweet face, I felt beautiful. The sound system went out during my soloist, but otherwise, it was perfect.
Today, we've been married almost two months. We live in a little one-bedroom apartment in our little college town. I make pot-pie and banana bread. He works during the day and at six or seven we have dinner on our tiny oak table with eccentric place mats. He painted a picture to hang above our couch and I'll sew some seat cushions for our breakfast room table. It's all very quaint. Other aspects of our relationship are really great as well ;) We're stuck in between the young, single life and the grown-up working life. I will be embarking on the "real job" hunt at the end of the year and he will continue on with graduate school.
I don't live in New York City. Neither of us have established jobs and are, therefore relatively poor compared to many other newlyweds. I'm graduating with a fairly useless degree (thanks to poor advising). But if the worst I have to endure is loans, a short-lived eating disorder, and a sucky sound system on my wedding day, then I think I'm doing okay. Yeah, it's been a pretty easy life. Yet, I've struggled with it all along. Outwardly, things are great. Inwardly, I've struggled with insecurities and fear for most of my life. You'd think, after twenty-some-odd years, that I would have started to master that stuff. I suppose I've been able to push it aside for the most part. It's only just recently hit the fan though. Now I'm facing the identity crisis of the twenties, the job search, and married life. It all terrifies me honestly. So these are my rantings. These are the thoughts of a messy, comlicated girl learning to be a woman who, despite all appreances, does not have it all together. Only by grace have I made it this far.
I met this boy. He rocked my world. If I dreamed up the most perfect person for me, I couldn't have come up with anything more. However, during this time, I struggled with the obligatory eating disorder that comes along with being a "good girl" in America these days. I credit him with pulling me out of denial and, consequently, out of my crappy way of dealing with my problems. He was my first kiss, my first serious relationship, and my first love. I saved everything for him, and I love that about us. Before too long, we were engaged and planning the most amazing wedding. I only had one breakdown on the day of the wedding after I dropped my dress in the dirt. But, as is my luck, it came right off. We had an outdoor wedding at dusk. Set in front of a large pond with shepherds hooks filled with flowers, it was absolutely picturesque. When I walked down the aisle and saw my groom's sweet face, I felt beautiful. The sound system went out during my soloist, but otherwise, it was perfect.
Today, we've been married almost two months. We live in a little one-bedroom apartment in our little college town. I make pot-pie and banana bread. He works during the day and at six or seven we have dinner on our tiny oak table with eccentric place mats. He painted a picture to hang above our couch and I'll sew some seat cushions for our breakfast room table. It's all very quaint. Other aspects of our relationship are really great as well ;) We're stuck in between the young, single life and the grown-up working life. I will be embarking on the "real job" hunt at the end of the year and he will continue on with graduate school.
I don't live in New York City. Neither of us have established jobs and are, therefore relatively poor compared to many other newlyweds. I'm graduating with a fairly useless degree (thanks to poor advising). But if the worst I have to endure is loans, a short-lived eating disorder, and a sucky sound system on my wedding day, then I think I'm doing okay. Yeah, it's been a pretty easy life. Yet, I've struggled with it all along. Outwardly, things are great. Inwardly, I've struggled with insecurities and fear for most of my life. You'd think, after twenty-some-odd years, that I would have started to master that stuff. I suppose I've been able to push it aside for the most part. It's only just recently hit the fan though. Now I'm facing the identity crisis of the twenties, the job search, and married life. It all terrifies me honestly. So these are my rantings. These are the thoughts of a messy, comlicated girl learning to be a woman who, despite all appreances, does not have it all together. Only by grace have I made it this far.
